Disappointment … that is the key word that describes my last weekend.
So, it’s been a week. A week full of tears, pain (a lot of pain – not only physical, but mentally too), and disappointment. It was the first weekend in a month I was free, free of duty. So I said to myself let’s make it a double. Racing fest, Saturday & Sunday would be: me time, bike time, racing time …
Tap, Tap, Tap
I felt good after being sick for a week or two, not racing during that period, it was time to get back in the game. Oh and I did get back, searched my breath once or twice during the race but I was alert, ready to go harder and faster if needed. The bike was a blessing, awesome to race electronical! (Tap, tap, tap, perfectly shifted over and over again, the E-tap is literally the best I ever had)
Than the unthinkable happened … the one thing we (riders, family, friends) all fear the most. I crashed, big time. During the sprint, we were going full speed. Already pushing your body to the maximum. Ready to get the “poof” in the legs from sprinting.
The girls where fighting for the 5th place. The last corner, 400m to go. Two girls fighting over the same place, dragging me down with them. I saw it happening, I felt it, and there wasn’t a thing I could do about it.
Trapped like a deer in hunting season…
My mind was already set in a place ready to endure the pain that was about to come. The shock my body had to endure. The weird thing is, your mind already sees it happening before you even hit the ground. You get a flash forward, a glimpse of what is to come …
First comes the awareness, second the fall, third the pain and last the disappointment. And that last one hurts at that moment the most. I cried, (Yes and I’m a tough one) because all I could think was, not again. I will not start over again, I can’t do this anymore … All because I can race once in a while and I like it. (more like, love it – addiction love it).
I couldn’t get up, they took me to the ER straight away checked for broken bones, but the only thing that was broken at that moment was my spirit … no CT-scan needed for that.
I stayed there for 8hrs in total, my wounds where so deep they had to give me the max of anaesthesia so they could get them cleaned out, got me a plastic surgeon to give me advice and follow me up and then you hit rock bottom.
You know that’s going to be the same routine for the upcoming weeks. The pain, the showers, the not-doing-anything, the missing your bike even though it putted you through hell.
Through the tears, I had almost every day in the shower, I remembered what my dad always told me “the only good thing about hitting rock bottom, is that it can’t get any worse” – you are tough, better days are coming.
So, I have to find a way to get back on my bike again, but first I need some time to sort this through. Give all of this a place. Work on my way back. I will be back, because I can, because I know what it is to be tough, nothing worth having ever comes easy.
I am blessed with the best friends & family who are there for me when I need them, and in times like these. You need all the love you can get. In moments like these you get to know some people better. But most of all you get to know yourself better, and how far you are willing to go, for the things you love the most.